The need for validation – why we seek other people's approval, and how to become less dependent on it

A need, not a weakness

It is easy to feel ashamed of wanting to be seen. "Attention-seeking" is almost always used as an insult. But the need itself is not a character flaw.

In 1995 the psychologists Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary described the need to belong as one of humanity's most fundamental motivations. For our ancestors, a place in the group was a matter of survival, and noticing whether others liked you or not was vital. Leary later described self-esteem as a kind of gauge — a sociometer — that rises when we feel accepted and falls when we feel shut out.

So the fact that it stings when someone dislikes what you have done does not mean something is wrong with you. It means the gauge is working. The question is what job it has been given.

When approval becomes the measure of your worth

There is a difference between appreciating validation and needing it to feel good enough. The social psychologist Jennifer Crocker calls the latter contingent self-worth: your worth depends on something outside yourself, such as other people's approval, your appearance or your performance. When the condition is met, the feeling of being good enough rises, and when it isn't, it collapses.

Crocker and her colleagues have also described what the chase costs. Someone who constantly needs to prove their worth becomes more preoccupied with how they come across than with what they actually want, finds it harder to learn from mistakes, and relationships become more of a stage than a place to rest.

A few signs to recognise in yourself:

• You reread an email five times before sending it, and then once more afterwards.
• You say yes when you mean no, because a no might disappoint someone.
• A critical comment goes round in your head for days, while the praise is forgotten by evening.
• You don't know whether something you did was good until someone else has said so.
• Your opinions shift a little depending on who is listening.

If you recognise several of them, it is nothing to be ashamed of. It is a pattern many people recognise, and it can be changed.

Why criticism weighs more

In the chapter Validation in my book I write about negativity bias: the brain gives more weight to the negative than to the positive. Baumeister and his colleagues summed it up in 2001 in a paper with the telling title Bad is stronger than good. For our ancestors it was more important to remember where the danger was than where the flowers grew.

In practice this means the sums never balance. Someone who gets a thousand kind comments and one nasty one remembers the nasty one. For anyone who draws their worth from outside, it becomes an uneven fight: every bit of praise has to be weighed against a criticism that weighs more.

That is also why praise so rarely helps someone who already has doubts. Praise slides off anyone who doesn't believe it, something I write more about in the article on self-esteem and self-confidence.

Why it is never enough

Validation drawn from outside has two properties that mean it never satisfies. It is unpredictable — sometimes it comes, sometimes it doesn't — and unpredictable rewards build stronger habits than reliable ones. And the bar moves, so that what felt good yesterday becomes today's normal. How this works on social media, where both mechanisms are built in, is covered in social media and self-esteem.

There is a third thing. Validation rarely concerns who you are. It concerns what you did, how you looked or what you said. Someone who has received approval for their performance has not received anything that says they are good enough when the performance doesn't happen. And comparison with others is always lying in wait — more about that in comparison and envy.

How to become less dependent on other people's approval

The goal is not to stop caring what other people think. That would be neither possible nor desirable. The goal is for other people's judgement to become one voice among several, not the one that decides.

1. Decide for yourself first. Before you show something to anyone: decide whether you think it is good. Say it to yourself, out loud if you like. The ability to judge your own work is maintained by being used, and it comes back the same way.

2. Give yourself credit — for the effort. In the book I suggest writing down every evening at least one thing you did well during the day, focusing on effort and not just on results: that you sent that difficult email, that you took a break even though there was a lot to do. It sounds simple, and that is the point. It trains your attention on something that negativity bias otherwise filters out. I also write that a big reason I myself got out of an anxiety-filled everyday life was that, despite the anxiety, I liked myself.

3. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend. The psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as treating yourself with the same kindness you would show a friend who is having a hard time. Someone whose inner voice is kind enough doesn't need to borrow one from outside as often.

4. Do what you think matters, even when nobody sees it. Actions that are in line with your own values give you something no approval can give, precisely because nobody else needs to know about them. That is the core of ACT and values.

5. Practise not knowing. Send the email without rereading it a sixth time. Say what you think in the meeting without first sounding out the room. Say no to one thing this week. The discomfort is real, and it tends to ease when you notice that what you were afraid of didn't happen — the same idea that lies behind exposure. Start small.

6. Give specific validation to others. Chapter 7 of the book is as much about giving as about receiving. "I saw how you took responsibility in that difficult customer meeting" says more than "well done". Looking for what others do well also shifts your attention away from how you yourself are being judged.

Showing uncertainty in front of others — asking for help, admitting a mistake — is one of the hardest steps for someone who seeks approval. Why it is usually received better than you think is covered in the article on daring to be vulnerable.

When it is more than a need for validation

A strong need for validation is not a diagnosis. But sometimes something else lies underneath. When the fear of other people's eyes makes you avoid situations altogether, it may be social anxiety, which is something other than shyness and can be treated. When the feeling of being worthless doesn't go away, whatever others say, it may be depression. Then healthcare is the right first step, not an article.

How I work with it

In coaching we don't try to get more people to like you, and we don't try to argue you into feeling good enough either. We work on moving the measure: noticing when you are seeking approval, trying out what happens when you don't, and building up what you yourself think matters. If you first want to see whether it is your self-esteem or your self-confidence that is chafing, there is the self-assessment test.

The most important thing

If you take away just one thing: the problem is not that you want to be liked. The problem is when other people's approval becomes the only thing that tells you you are good enough.

You can't stop caring. But you can train up a voice of your own that gets to have its say first — and it grows stronger every time you let it.

Sources

• Baumeister, R. F. & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.
• Leary, M. R. & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). The nature and function of self-esteem: Sociometer theory. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 32, 1–62.
• Baumeister, R. F., Bratslavsky, E., Finkenauer, C. & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Bad is stronger than good. Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 323–370.
• Crocker, J. & Wolfe, C. T. (2001). Contingencies of self-worth. Psychological Review, 108(3), 593–623.
• Crocker, J. & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414.
• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
• Glännström, M. Välmåendecoach — För en ljusare framtid ("The Wellbeing Coach"), chapter 7: Validation.

Best wishes, Mikael GlännströmWellbeing coach, author and father of two